I am not for myself

I am not for myself: I persist for others. No, do not mistake that I feed off the approval of others, that somehow I need to be noticed and accepted or that I would wither in a world void of attention directed toward me.

No, I speak of something much more sober, tragic even. I am abandoned and alone. Left to live with the demon inside, to fend off his jabs with failing strength. For me, there is little hope. Perhaps I do see a faint spark on the horizon, but tumultuous storms rage between that spark and me. As much as I can, I place one foot in front of the other, pressing against a fury and power I could never anticipate.

But here I speak not of myself, but of others. For at this time, I can muster strength only for them. I made obligations, I must adhere to them. Failure for myself? Anticipated, expected. Failure for others? I cannot bear that burden.

My life is already broken; I will not allow my imperfections to impede the progress of others. I dread daily encounters; perhaps you have noticed? I promise that my desire is not to be distant. I long for human connection, but I fear failure--the failure to live up to my obligations. I'm sorry to those who have encountered the wall and my standoffish facade. 

How I wish to let you past. For truly, I do desire your friendship and to experience what you have to offer. I see the light in your eyes and feel your spirit. There is a goodness there, one that distracts me from my burden. With your attention the storms calm, my burden is light, and hope lingers just beyond my grasp.

I am not for myself, for I am alone and broken. I live for another, for only then am I free.