What I Believe Now

I have been struggling for a long time, and in my current state I'm left tired and confused. Not the I-need-to-go-to-bed kind of tired, though I do sleep a lot as of late. I'm weary of the burden I have been carrying, a burden which saps my strength. I'm shuffling through life with rare moments of ineffectual respite.

The confusion troubles me more, however. It seems to be a constant, undesirable companion, continuously clouding my judgement and skewing my perspective. I find it challenging to set goals and stay focused on my plans. If my circumstances remain the same, I fear that many of my dreams will never be realized.

I find confusion as I try to reason through anxiety and depression, but mostly as I seek an explanation for why I gifted with them. In me, anxiety fosters fear and physically debilitates at times. Depression robs me of hope and motivation. I am inhibited by a frustratingly debilitating condition and I am left with only one obvious course: do anything to just survive.

To this point the only effective solutions have been the temporary numbing of symptoms that comes as I withdraw to Netflix (or something similar), and the distraction that dance provides. The physical movement seems to focus my mind and draw me away from my troubled mind. At least it used to. Both solutions seems to be losing effectiveness. I find that the anxiety returns with greater speed after every period of withdrawal or distraction.

Confusion creeps in as I ask myself this question: If my desire is to make the world better and to be engaged in bringing joy to others, why does God allow me to struggle and make slothful progress? If I am wish to employ my talents good, why prevent me? Questions like these plague my thoughts without end.

I have yet to receive an answer.

And so, I write seeking help and other perspectives. Contributions are always welcome.

I also hope to share my experience and encourage others in similar situations.

There are moments of joy. Seek good friends. Count your blessings and thank God as often as you can. Yes, He is there. He knows and loves you. While I am trying to find meaning in the pain and sorrow, I do not doubt His ability turn the least or worst of things into something eternally meaningful.

I simply seek an answer. And as I have in the past, I will ask until I receive. Even if it takes a while, it will come.

That is what I believe.

Potential

I do not like that words reluctantly come on occasion, seemingly at those times when I believe I need them most. I live to communicate and I love the power and precision that words possess. I strive to constantly use the correct word for the occasion; I am not perfect, but I feel the desire to improve my ability to wield language is advantageous on its own.

Sometimes I just need to begin by writing anything, even simple or basic. Plebeian maybe? That's a ten-cent word. Eventually more precise words will arrive and I can begin to express my thoughts as I intend.

The word purpose continues to come to the forefront of my thoughts. Purpose is significant. What is your purpose? To what end were you born and to what end do you exist? Is it by mere happenstance that you are, that you breathe, that you think? By what infinite chance do the stars light the night sky? The sun lights and warms our precious home, providing a key component to our existence.

I'm all over the place, let me refocus.

We are absolutely alone. We are far from anything that we recognize as similar. We search and scour, but the life with which we are familiar is a rarity, or just very hard to find.

What then, is it's significance? Absolute! A child is born, and matures into a man. He is aware, not only of his existence but of the existence of others. He recognizes a desire to create and provide, to influence the world in which he lives and to leave a rich legacy for posterity. He meets a woman, also miraculously aware (if not a bit more) of her own existence and of others. She, like the man, has a desire to create and provide and to influence. They are not the same, but together they will work miracles. They will flatten mountains and soar into the sky. No one can limit them, only they possess that ability.

All of this happens on a singular, infinitesimally tiny, pale blue dot which rockets through the cosmos. There is great meaning in your existence. There is great purpose.

Observe those around you. Pay attention to them. They, like you, have hopes and dreams. Fears exist too, and things for which to be anxious. We are all so very similar.

Focus on one person. Really focus. Look at their eyes. What do you see? Is there depth? What of thought or care? Can eyes reflect our purpose or drive, or love and hope? I don't know what you will see.

But I know what I see.