One thing to talk about; that is, human connection

It's been several months since I last sat down to write. I've missed it. It can be very liberating to get my thoughts out in front of people. I try to be genuine, and this is one of the few ways I know how to do so.

I've been trying to get this post out for two days now. The past two nights I sat down with my laptop to write and I just couldn't get it out, probably because I don't really know how to say what is on my mind. It's also really hard for me to focus on any one thing for a prolonged period.

It was only a few moments ago that I had an idea about what I really wanted to say. I want to talk about why I'm writing a blog about my experiences. Right now that means I deal mostly with depression and anxiety, but the broader goal is to get the real me out in front of people. I write because I am trying to reach out and make some sort of human connection, which is something I feel I've become really bad at.

You see, for me depressions is kind of like a haze through which I experience life. This leads to a lot of uncertainty, but especially in my relationships with others.

I try to be clever and smart, fun, and enjoyable. I want to be someone people like to be around. But I often think that I say the wrong thing or that I don't correctly empathize with others. I feel hallow and empty and dread that others think that interactions with me are hallow and empty. And to be totally honest with you, my greatest fear right now is that others choose not to interact with me because they don't see the value in talking to someone like me.

I fear that I am missing opportunities to make friendships because I cannot be a "good" friend or the kind of friend people want.

I fear that I am judged by how I interact with people. I seem disconnected, uninterested and uninteresting, lacking-depth. I feel like a husk, as though I lack personality and purpose. And who wants a husk-friend?

I fear silent, unconscious judgement and rejection. We all ultimately decide who we spend out time with. I feel like the center of an expanding universe, in which everyone is moving away from me, quite obviously because they have evaluated my worth based on the hallow, husk-person I feel like I am, and decided that other people are more worthy of their time.

I feel guilty for sounding selfish.

But I feel like I need to say it. I'm trying to argue that I have value. I have passions, it's just often hard to express them. I don't try to be distant, I just feel like I'm trying to yell across a canyon to interact with others. And it's really hard for me to get through how I feel about a lot things because I'm an emotional mess right now. I feel like a jumbled ball of yarn. But that's just the nature of my mental state.