I have been struggling for a long time, and in my current state I'm left tired and confused. Not the I-need-to-go-to-bed kind of tired, though I do sleep a lot as of late. I'm weary of the burden I have been carrying, a burden which saps my strength. I'm shuffling through life with rare moments of ineffectual respite.
The confusion troubles me more, however. It seems to be a constant, undesirable companion, continuously clouding my judgement and skewing my perspective. I find it challenging to set goals and stay focused on my plans. If my circumstances remain the same, I fear that many of my dreams will never be realized.
I find confusion as I try to reason through anxiety and depression, but mostly as I seek an explanation for why I gifted with them. In me, anxiety fosters fear and physically debilitates at times. Depression robs me of hope and motivation. I am inhibited by a frustratingly debilitating condition and I am left with only one obvious course: do anything to just survive.
To this point the only effective solutions have been the temporary numbing of symptoms that comes as I withdraw to Netflix (or something similar), and the distraction that dance provides. The physical movement seems to focus my mind and draw me away from my troubled mind. At least it used to. Both solutions seems to be losing effectiveness. I find that the anxiety returns with greater speed after every period of withdrawal or distraction.
Confusion creeps in as I ask myself this question: If my desire is to make the world better and to be engaged in bringing joy to others, why does God allow me to struggle and make slothful progress? If I am wish to employ my talents good, why prevent me? Questions like these plague my thoughts without end.
I have yet to receive an answer.
And so, I write seeking help and other perspectives. Contributions are always welcome.
I also hope to share my experience and encourage others in similar situations.
There are moments of joy. Seek good friends. Count your blessings and thank God as often as you can. Yes, He is there. He knows and loves you. While I am trying to find meaning in the pain and sorrow, I do not doubt His ability turn the least or worst of things into something eternally meaningful.
I simply seek an answer. And as I have in the past, I will ask until I receive. Even if it takes a while, it will come.
That is what I believe.
1 comment:
I don't know if this is going to be any help because I have never dealt with these feelings in myself, but I have had a rough road with my wife following the birth of our son. Patty was fighting a serve post-partum depression that I didn't know about until two months following. It flipped my whole world upside down to find out that she was having inclinations to quit in any way she could. I had the desire to just fix everything for her, but in reality she just needed somebody to talk to and somebody to help her realize that she is not evil for her dark thoughts. The thing that made all the difference was counseling and medication. Today it is manageable, with some bad days of course, but never how it was. The Savior was there for us and he sustains us now.
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