The Tale of Viktor Navorski

Every week, I preview a syndicated program called The Score that we air on Classical 89.
(It's a fantastic program that we air Saturdays at 8am and 6pm.) The Score is about… movie scores; 
they are often "classical" in sound.

One of the first pieces in this week's program is from the movie The Terminal.
It's one of my Top 10 Favorites. (By the way, my Top 10 Favorites is constantly changing. 
"Top Ten Favorites" is more like an adjective I use to describe my favorite movies. There aren't
really ten. There could be many more, but I don't remember any of them right now.
But back to the story.)

So the first selection of music comes from The Terminal; and the music actually made me smile.
And today—oh today was a day I really needed it.

I take medication in order to [kind of] act like a normal person. For the past few days, I've been testing
a new medication. I don't know that I like how it affects me. I couldn't focus. I wasn't present.
I missed a class, and didn't do the homework I planned on doing. And by the end of the day,
I felt like my senses and mind were overloaded.

And I struggled to keep my happy face on.

But there's a good end to this story. I'm still trying to wind down; still trying to reduce the overload.
But I've been happy since I heard that music from one of my favorite movies. It reminded me of the
good things that happened today. The friends who made me laugh. The people who always
brighten my day. I hope that one day you will know how much I rely on you.

Look for the tender mercies, and you'll find them. For me, sometimes, it's music. Most often, people.

What music makes you smile? Which friends can you count on?
I'll take happyness wherever and whenever I can get it.

Yes, that was on purpose. It's another of my Top 10 Favorites.

Masks

We all wear a mask of one kind or another.

And we often change our masks without noticing. Like breathing,

we learn to ignore the change unless we choose to focus on it.

We keep a few of them with us as we go—

the ones we think we'll need for the day.

Depending on who we plan to meet.

We may even keep a few more at home—

the ones we don't think we'll need right now but hold on to anyway.

Depending on who we think we may turn out to be tomorrow.

We sometimes take off a mask that we think is no longer good for us—

the ones that no longer fit quite right or are uncomfortable to wear.

But are we uncomfortable when we wear them? Did we change underneath?

I ask because I have found a mask that I like to wear. And I want to keep on wearing it—
I know with whom I'll be today and I know who I'll be tomorrow.
It's the mask that I like the mask I wear most.

I like wearing the mask I wear when I'm with you.

One thing to talk about; that is, human connection

It's been several months since I last sat down to write. I've missed it. It can be very liberating to get my thoughts out in front of people. I try to be genuine, and this is one of the few ways I know how to do so.

I've been trying to get this post out for two days now. The past two nights I sat down with my laptop to write and I just couldn't get it out, probably because I don't really know how to say what is on my mind. It's also really hard for me to focus on any one thing for a prolonged period.

It was only a few moments ago that I had an idea about what I really wanted to say. I want to talk about why I'm writing a blog about my experiences. Right now that means I deal mostly with depression and anxiety, but the broader goal is to get the real me out in front of people. I write because I am trying to reach out and make some sort of human connection, which is something I feel I've become really bad at.

You see, for me depressions is kind of like a haze through which I experience life. This leads to a lot of uncertainty, but especially in my relationships with others.

I try to be clever and smart, fun, and enjoyable. I want to be someone people like to be around. But I often think that I say the wrong thing or that I don't correctly empathize with others. I feel hallow and empty and dread that others think that interactions with me are hallow and empty. And to be totally honest with you, my greatest fear right now is that others choose not to interact with me because they don't see the value in talking to someone like me.

I fear that I am missing opportunities to make friendships because I cannot be a "good" friend or the kind of friend people want.

I fear that I am judged by how I interact with people. I seem disconnected, uninterested and uninteresting, lacking-depth. I feel like a husk, as though I lack personality and purpose. And who wants a husk-friend?

I fear silent, unconscious judgement and rejection. We all ultimately decide who we spend out time with. I feel like the center of an expanding universe, in which everyone is moving away from me, quite obviously because they have evaluated my worth based on the hallow, husk-person I feel like I am, and decided that other people are more worthy of their time.

I feel guilty for sounding selfish.

But I feel like I need to say it. I'm trying to argue that I have value. I have passions, it's just often hard to express them. I don't try to be distant, I just feel like I'm trying to yell across a canyon to interact with others. And it's really hard for me to get through how I feel about a lot things because I'm an emotional mess right now. I feel like a jumbled ball of yarn. But that's just the nature of my mental state.